Akogare (longing)

What is angst? Is it sorrow? Is it hatred? Or is it a terrible longing and desire? I am filled with angst. That talented, bright, quiet but friendly girl you see is just a façade. She isn't me. Maybe she's what I should be, but she's just a painting on my empty shell.

I long for the briefest touch, a glimmer of past memories; I can see her sometimes. This causes me pain. Anger. I am not. I AM NOT!! I am straight, honest, true and pure. Back before I was always. It's only her, that makes me feel this way. Where is the boundary between love and friendship? Do the two ever overlap? I have always loved her.A ishiteru. I am IN love with her I think. Now I've said it. I am desperate for another girl, how sad this is. Yet, how right. If only we had never been separated! Perhaps this longing wouldn't be so strong.

Do you long for me, sweet friend? Do you remember? I am all forgotten? I want nothing sexual from her, I'm not that far gone. Yet, I want out lives intertwined. I want to love her without being labelled. Love her as a human sister, as it was meant from the very beginning with Eve, our elder sister's past mistake. Oh, if you had not bit into that apple, Eve, would I be free to love as I chose? To not have to define 'friend' and 'love'? For there to be no divide? I wish she was here with me now. To change the world and hold me close. To swear protection.

Oh, but don't be disgusted! If I were to revolt you it would tear my fragile heart in two! I have always longed for love, desperate for someone to touch! To know and be connected to, heart, body & soul. We are soulmates, me and her. I think she knows it. My koishii, my tomadachi. I am Daidouji Tomoyo. I am Tenoh Haruka. I am Kaworu. And I'm everyone before them who has known pain. Oh, Kayla, just to be able to say it freely! Aishiteru! I love you! To be bonded, to be close! To share my soul with another human being! If only she loved me the way I desperately love her! The way I've always loved her. But I'm afraid. Afraid of breaking our already delicate friendship.

To gain something, first you must lose everything. I can't lose her! She is mine! Mine to hold! Mine to cry over! If only. If only I could express myself. If only I wasn't so alone! If only I was used to love! But you're the only one. Hitotsu dake. I've reserved my heart for you, all these years. Oh, I want love. Your love. Your laughter, your tears, your secrets, your soul, to share not to keep. I just want someone to love.