I'm so depressed. Even Melissa is depressed, and I don't know to help her. Diana and Sariye are ignoring me now and becoming friends with each other instead. I'm invisable.

 

Wednesday, November 6th, 2002:

 

Me and Diana are being becoming fast friends... We have SO much in common! We both love 'I was a teenage fairy' and alternative music and drama/horror movies. We're both on the same crazy scale. We dress similarily. We both love hanging out downtown because its so cool and people are so friendly. I'd say that's all I know, but that's what makes it so exciting! Its like this adventure, there's so much to be explored. And I'm becoming good friends with Danielle 'zerk' too, even though the ABSOLUTE ONLY thing we have in common is both being geminis. But she's so cool.We talked for like two hours Monday night. And I finally feel comfortable enough to kid around with her and not alwayz be so polite. And Melissa.... insert the amazing part. Okay, lets see- yesterday there was a football game last period where studnets could pay $2 to get out of class and 'go watch the game aka cut class'. I didn't go because a)its really cold and SNOW outside and I'm already sick b) football bores me and finally c) last period is art which I like. Well, most kids in the school went to the game, but my art class was about full. And to top it off, we had a sub teacher who disapered. Pretty sweet..... Anyways, around 2:35 or so, a lot of kids who were skipping started coming in the school because they were bored of the game or whatever. There was a rap on one of the classroom windows, I look up and guess who's there- Mel and Lenore! Katie and Blaine rushed out to say hi while I pretended not to be watching them and praying they wouldn't come in. But of course they did..... I concentrated very pointedly on my drawing while they walked around talking to people. I almost jumped a foot in the air when I voice whispered huskily in my ear, "Hi beautiful." I turned around and there she was, grinning at me. We didn't talk much, I was too sick to think up conversation, but hung at my table until the bell rang, which was sweet. She played with my shading stump and watched me draw and chatted a lot, but we didn't talk. Fine with me. I just love watching her. J'adore Melissa! And that was it... But today I had so many other people to hang out with, and I was happy that whenever I walked by Melissa, I had someone by my side. She did say hey to me and me and Danielle passed her on the way to last period, but it was rushed and I didn't hey her back. Each day, I long for a little bit.... This is insane.

 

Friday, November 1st, 2002:

 

Today was greaaat! I was pratically a social butterfly until I  hit last period and started feeling sick from all the Halloween junk. I was talking with Melissa last night and now I can finally feel ok with everyone. She's so wonderful. She said I was brave and that she was so proud of me. She said I had no idea what my e-mail meant to her. Wow....I finally got up the nerve to ask her- So does this mean we really are friends? She said "I sure as hell hope so." I guess that's a yes. I love Mel.... So I was really hyper from candy and stuff when I got to school. I walked with Jennifer to homeroom while we talked. Instead of sitting alone in homeroom I jumped into a sit with Sariye and my friends. I wanted to tell Sariye about my dream but she was more than half-asleep. I chatted with her and Becky and Jennifer and Diana. I felt so cool. So normal... I wasn't a pity- thing but rather a reg. part of the conversation. For period one we went to the comp. lab for evil geometer's sketchpad and I made friends w/ Diana and we talked a lot and she gave me her e-mail addy and phone number. I sat beside her and Tori and I like Tori too because she's nice and she has the most piercing greenest eyes I've ever seen that are scary but really friendly too. I went to Civics w/ Becky and we talked in class until Danielle got there and then we ate chocolates and gum and talked about evil Taffy and stuff the whole class w/o doing any work. When we started presentations I had to shut up but I wanted to tell Danielle about my dream because she was in it so I wrote it down on a piece of paper which we passed notes on back and forth for the rest of the class. Then I got up the nerve to ask her for her e-mail. I'm so happy! I've made two friends in one morning! I mean, I was friends w/ the both of them before but you know you're really friends with a person when they are on MSN. Look what happened with me and Sariye and me and Melissa. MSN is where the divider between friends and aquaintances lies. And then I went to lunch and chatted w/ Blaine. Blaine's nice even if she never talks to me but I decided I should try to make friends with her if I'm going to be friends with Mel. I like being perky and upbeat. People like me that way too. Its good if you can talk to people before they talk to you. I sat with Danielle in English and we talked some more. Well, she talked and I listened. Shit, can she talk a mile a min or what! And she knows it too! Kawaii! I think I held up my end pretty well. We went to the pep rally and sat with Tori and Jen Mouchet. I didn't see Mel at all but that's ok cause I liked sitting with Danielle. The rally was okay. I wish I could've seen Melissa as a roving knight cause I forgot about it last year but this year they kicked all the junior students off which is so unfair and Mel and I are gonna bite them together! I loved watching Mel. Then came art and I faded back because I felt like puking the whole time. And now I'm home and I think I will be dreadfully bored this whole weekend. I want another partah! I want to e-mail Tori again and ask her for the pics from the party but I'm scared of making her mad. But I swear I will worship her forever if I get that pic of Melissa..... and everyone..... 

 

 

Tuesday, October 29th, 2002:

 

What am I going to do??? I can't live like this. Something needs to change. Why can't she understand that? Melissa came into the library at lunch with Erin of all people *growls* and laughing they walked right past me and sat down to work as far away from my table as they could. Every now and then I glanced up to watch them. They're so cute. I love Melissa more and more, even when she hates me. I can't help. Oh God, I would give anything not to feel this way. But I can't help it. This is how I feel. About ten minutes later they walked out again, right behind me and Melissa couldn't even say hey or anything. Oh God... Melissa....  I'm not sure if I'm invisable or just they were ignoring me. Maybe she didn't actually see me, there in plain sight. I don't exist... I'm invisable. I want to curl up and cry but I want to be happy for others. I'm torn. What do I do??? WHAT DO I DO?!

 

Tori's Halloween party was last night. Soooo much fun! It was great! I went as a devil and I felt a little silly because most people didn't dress up a lot but that's okay. Sariye gave me a ride and true to her word, she didn't abandon me. I know she worked really hard to make sure I had a good time. It was great seeing everyone again. Danielle, Pat, Jen, Katie, Marie-Lyne, Sam, Lenore, Kristin, Tori, Erin, Blaine, everybody.... I can't believe I have so many friends. It was great. Especailly seeing Melissa again. Last night was the first time I had talked to her in person since June and I was in bliss. It was amazing- when I first got to the party I saw her with her friends and caught her eye and she immediatly ran over to me and threw her arms around me. I guess she isn't mad at me then. I was scared she my e-mails had sort of bugged her but she seemed really happy to see me. 5 hours in the same room with Melissa.... It was so funny, being there, but I loved it. I can't wait till Sariye's party. ^_^ Sariye really knew what she was saying when she told me I wouldn't want to leave. I didn't really get a lot of time to talk with Melissa but I we danced together and stuff so that's cool... I can't even explain how I felt seeing her again. I've seen her at school but we've never connected, you know? Now she regarded me as a friend and showered me with her wonderfulness. I want to go back! When Monday rolls around, it'll go back to the same old nothing and I might never get to talk to her again. I really hope she comes to Sariye's b-day party.

Listening to- I'm Just A Kid (Simple Plan) and Iris (Goo Goo Dolls) which are two 'natsukashi' songs from the party. The former we were all jumping to crazy like and the latter is a slow song (the only 1) which I was watching Melissa and Erin "dancing" rather um... you know to. It was sweet though. Someday she will dance like that with me.  

 

 

Monday, Ocotber 22nd, 2002:

 

Haven't heard from Melissa all weekend. No big deal right? I didn't see her in school 'cept going to second period and then she ignored. Or maybe she didn't see me. I don't know. I'm still a bit scared of her. I swear, tomorrow I'm just going to jump her or something! Lolz... And I got a letter from Kayla today. That makes me sooo happy! She made me a bracelet and she's really sweet but I have the feeling something's wrong. I think I would totally come undone if Kayla abandoned me too. I don't really know where  stand with anyone anymore. How do you ever know if somone is really your friend? *sigh* "Tis a sad, confuzzling world we live in"

 

 

Friday, October 18th, 2002:

 

Melissa e-mailed me three times today. Wow. Hehe. She's soooo cool!!!!! And guess what? I've been invited to Tori's Halloween party. I told Melissa I would come but I'm not sure. None of the other kids really know me and I'd feel so out of place. TORI doesn't even know me. Even though I'm happier than I've ever been, maybe, just maybe, I should've stayed silent.

 

For the first time ever, I wish tomorrow wasn't a PD day. I'm afraid that by the time Monday rolls around Melissa will have forgotten anything.

Hmmm, where to start. I guess I shouldn't have worried about today. Melissa ignored me. No, wait- that's too harsh. Its not like we have any classes together or as if I sought her ought. I just mean, knowing Melissa, I was scared she'd find me and start talking and I'd screw everything up. I couldn't bare to have her hate me. I only saw Melissa once, on the way to Civics class like I usually do. I walked really fast so that I wouldn't have to go through an embarassing meeting or whatever. I thought I was going to make it when I was only a few portables away from mine, but nope. She came out the door and I think she might have seen me because she steered right in my direction but she wasn't smiling or calling out or anything. I kept my eyes to the ground and walked faster, just avoiding her. I don't know if she noticed or not. I'm so ashamed though. I went and poured out my deepest secret to her and then I'm too scared to say hello. :'(

In homeroom, Sariye told me she e-mailed the letter to Melissa and I thanked her again. Then she said something about Melissa saying it was 'great' or something. It seems like an odd choice of words but...? And get this- Sariye said Melissa told her she was CRYING when she read my letter. I can't believe it. How could my letter make her cry? And my strong, wonderful Melissa, crying? I don't believe it at all. I don't have that kind of power.

Melissa was on MSN when I signed on and after a few minutes, just like I predicted she, she IMed me. She typed 'heyy' and I was so scared I signed right out. I feel SOOO bad. Melissa probably hates me. That is so rude. Waa! I hate being shy! I screw everything up!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut....

 

 

Right now:

listening to- Killing me softly

chewing- Juicy Fruit Red

 

*later*

Melissa sent me an e-mail and I'm just bawling my eyes out. I can't believe some of the things she said. She is so nice! It was the most amazing (and weird) thing to have such a look into Melissa. She said she was proud of me for telling her everything. I mean, how many teenage girls tell their friends they are 'proud' of them? Isn't she cool? And she said she spent a lot of time last year thinking about me. I had no idea I was worthy of ocuppying her thoughts! That was a real shock, to hear that she wondered about me. Oh, she just came online so I have to reply now so she can get my e-mail.

 

Wednesday, October 16th, 2002:

 

I'm so happy I could just die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Koishiteru! Sariye e-mailed my letter to Melissa this night and though I haven't heard anything from either of them, Melissa added me to her msn! I have 'de witch' Melissa on my MSN, something I've wanted for a year now. I think everything will be better now. Sometimes ya just gotta do that carpe diem thing and stop waiting for life to happen. I'm scared about tomorrow though. I don't know what Melissa thinks of me now, or if she even thinks about me at all. What will I say to her? I made such an idiot of myself. I love watching her and being near her but I'm scared to actually be at the centre of her attention. Last year was good because I was in classes with her but not WITH HER. I could watch her without looking like a groupie or something. I feel so weird. Don't look at me like that! I'm not gay!

 

 

Tuesday, October 15th, 2002:

 

I can't stand this anymore! I miss Melissa so much. She doesn't even know I exist but that doesn't I should stop loving her. I really can't. I need to try harder to make her notice me and love me again. Carpe diem. I have to sieze the day. It really can't wait. I didn't get the nerve to give her my letter last June and look what happened. I'm going to ask Sariye or Danielle to give it to her for me. Regardless how awful the concequences(for instance, the entire school thinking I'm gay) I can't go on without trying. And maybe I should try e-mailing Caroline again... I'm so lonely. I need my old friends back!

 

Saturday, October 5th, 2002:

I have the greatest best friend in the whole world. I was so depressed last night, god I'm awful, and Kayla was so patient, so caring. She's really the only one who cares about me at all. We were remincicing about our childhood.... We had such good times together. I miss her so much. So much. I don't deserve her, not at all. If I killed myself, would a be a child again? I don't want to live anymore, not like this. I'm not happy. I can't do this anymore.

 

 

 

Thursday, October 3rd, 2002:

 

I'm so pathetic. So much for my diet. I ate so much today and after a bag of potato chips (they were so salty and crunchy...mmm) I went into the bathroom and threw it up. It was the first time I was ever really able to do it and it felt so awful but it worked! I threw the whole thing up and amazingly such a disgusting act actually made me feel better!

 

 

 

Saturday, September 21st, 2002:

 

I'm so awful! I have been starving myself for a week now and mangaged to make it down to 100 pounds but then I went and ruined it. I ate so much junk food!!!!!!! I'll get fat now!!!!! I spent 1/2 hour trying to throw it up but it wouldn't work. Why can't I do it? I thought that would solve everything. Maybe if I don't eat anything else this entire weekend I'll be alright. Not thin, but not fat at least. Oh, God, I'm so stupid. I'm f*cking bulimic. Does anyone have any useful tips on purging?

 

I'm SOOOO tired. My teachers are evil. Would you believe this- I get more homework in art than in any of my subjects combined. I've worked on it for two weeks now and I spent all weekend, day and night (very litterally) on it. If he fails me....Grr!

And, I've read the best book. It's called 'The Hunger'. Its about this anorexic girl, when she has a heart attack she relives her grandmother's past as an Armeian refugee and learns what hunger really is. Its such a good book. So, anyway, I'm going on a total diet. I've gotten so fat over the summer. This girl (maybe I  missed out on the morale of the story) totally inspired me. I don't care if I become anorexic, honestly, I think I want to be anorexic. Maybe people would pay more attention to me then.

 

Sunday, September 8th, 2002:

 

HOW I SPENT MY SATURDAY NIGHT

 

5:30- Gobble down leftovers for supper quickly- a spoonful of noodles.

5:55- Leave for the Levesques house.

6:00- Arrive and am swarmed over by cats, dogs and children alike

6:15- Walk seven-year old girl and dog around block

6:20- Male dog sees female dog and gives chase

6:21- I am pulled along behind the dumb mutt

6:30- We continue our walk up the highway

6:45- Another dog

7:00- Arrive at mini-mart after an hour of seven-year old girl chatter

7:05- Buy slush puppies

7:35- Near house. We decide the other kid I was supposed to be baby-sitting cant see the fact that we have slushies

7:40- I expertly teach seven-year old girl how to dispose of empty slush puppy

7:50- The two kids squabble over what to do. One wants inside, one wants out, yet they want to stay together. Was I ever this bad?

8:15- Beginning TWENTY games of Uno (Uno is a really dumb card game for kids that is sort of like Crazy Eights and I really regret ever showing it to the kids)

9:20- Seven-year old girl is pratically asleep and decides she will never reach her goal of winning 10 games so we go downstairs to watch TV

9:30- still channel surfing

9:45- Decide to change channel from Dog Eats Dog when contestants begin to strip

9:55- A guilty 10-year old boy comes and tells me Id better come upstairs. I go upstairs and what do I find- my favourite pair of flip-flops being used as a chew toy but the family dog, Peppermint! She ripped the entire strap off one sandal, spilling tiny, delicate little beads and bits of leather over the floor.

10:00- Bad dog!

10:05- The rents come home. $20 wont buy me new flip-flops.

10:10- I try to walk the fifteen-minute journey home with my decapitated sandals

10:15- I give up. The last thing I need is a broken ankle. So I took off both my sandals and get this- I walked barefoot the whole way home. Eww.

10:30- Bed is niiiice.

 

I think I'll start off with a rant. About my school- St. Peter. We have five new portables. which brings us to a total of 31. Can you believe that? THIRTY-ONE! How fcan there be that many more kids this year? Why don't they build new schools or make this school bigger? Its disgusting. Its probably more of those gross little 7&8s littering our school. How many of you have ever been in a portable? Well, let me tell you- its nasty. They are way too cold in winter and boiling hot in the summer. They are dirty and infested with bugs. They were painted in the seventies so the inside is puke green. Plus, imagine its winter, snowing with five feet of snow already on the ground. You have five minutes to get class, traveling a great distance betweent the damn portables, go to your locker or washroom or whatever. They don't care about us at all. We just can't do it. So on top of detention we get cold, wet and tired. Know what? The snotty little junior highers don't have a single portable class. I have 4 classes a day and if I'm lucky I might get 1 indoors. Kick the 7&8s out and make room for us. Why don't we build some junior high buildings for them? I'll tell you why- the goverment won't give us any money. They are greedy so they try to get more money for themselves by stuffing over 2000 students into a tiny building and forcing them to spill onto the grounds. We don't even have a football field anymore, our portables cover it. They make the school look so ugly- brown and red barn buildings. I hate it. I can't wait to go to Japan next year where they have proper schools and actually put money into education. Plus my kid brother is going into grade 7 (yuck) and he went to the orientation today. Well, HE has happy news. The little monsters of our school who hog the whole third floor to themselves have recieved hundreds of new lockers while the high schoolers get none. So this means that half the high school students will have to share a locker and the other half won't get one at all. So I might end up having to carry my heavy books that the happy-go-lucky 7&8s don't have to all of these portables now. Does this seem fair to you? I think we need lockers more than they do. We have way more textbooks and shit plus we need that little bit of space to call our own. While the children fresh out of- hear this- ELEMENTARY SCHOOL think they are all that puttong on make-up and brushing their hair in front of the locker mirrors and stinking up the third floor with their cheap dollar-store 'perfume'. Us high schoolers need it more than the three-foot tall baby-faced grade 7 girls who don't even need bras yet. So please, get rid of them and make my life easier. St. Peter is not a playground.

 

Well, all my classes except for one this whole year are in portables. We have 5 new portables which is really gross but they are building an extension onto the school which will be ready for the fall so that should get rid of a bunch of portables and make room for more lockers. Speaking of lockers, I got my own, all to myself. Yipee! There was one for every kid in my homeroom, while other homerooms were short by half.

 

Today is the second day of school and things are just going awful. NONE of my friends are in ANY of my classes, how am I going to survive without Melissa? I miss her! and my art class has some real jerks. They keep trying to hit on me and the other girls and they all say I'm too square. Art looks so boring this year and I can't even be taking it! I have such a problem and I want to talk to someone about it but I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do. See, I'm going to Japan next semester on a student exchange and I won't get any credits for that semester which means I will have to make up 4 courses the next year. I'm already screwed but the administration made it worse by giving me art. See, I will be given 2 credits for going to Japan and taking Japanese lessons. So I only have to make up 2 credits. But these extra credits can't count for core credits (math, science, english, history, etc.) because for instance, I can't take grade 11 math without doing my grade 10 math first. So these extra credits can only count for electives. We were given 2 electives this year and I choose art and french. But see, by giving me art this semester, they are going to make me work for my credit, meaning I will have to make up 3 credits instead of 2 and I just can't do that. As it is, I will have to give up my 11 and 12 spare periods as it is. I feel like Japan is ruining my life, when it is something I wanted so badly. Anyway, I was told by guidance that the only class they can give me instead is science. I was supposed to take science next semester but they said I can't take art next semester instead of science and I would have to take something else. Which brings to me to another bane- why should I have to suffer through 2 months of coursework if I won't get ANY credit for it? And whatever replaces science will be a core course. Its not fair! I don't know what do? To switch or not to switch? *sigh* That is the question. 

 

Today was better. I'm less depressed, but I still haven't been able to talk to Melissa. I see her in the hall sometime, but she ignores me. Its only a glance, but it means everything. I watch her with her friends and I am so envious. I'm all alone.

Art class is better, too. Those jerks were nicer, even though I guess I'm still square. I still don't know whether I should switch or not. My recipricol Japanese student is in my art class. Its his first day. I don't think any of my classmates are hosting him. He seems kinda... dim. Dopey. I mean, sure there's the language thing, but I think its more than that. We also have a German exchange student in English and Civics.

Speaking of civics, our assignment is a report on the pros/cons of decriminalizing marijuana, so for the sake of it, I'll tell you my opinion. I won't encourage drug use, you see, but I am for decri- ahh, such a long word. Anyway, people should have the right to make their own decisions, as long as those decisions don't harm others. Drug use only hurts the user and well, if that's what the user wants. I mean, keeping marijuana as a criminal offense will never make it go away. At least decriminalized will be fair for users. (I'm not one, I'm just stating my opinion.) At the same time, decriminalization won't make the problem go away. There. I just hope my speech in class tomorrow comes out that clear. Was that clear???